Surviving the season: Support and stress relief are key to staying happy during the holidays

By Kimberly Leonard. Special Sections Editor




In classic holiday movies, the season is all about spreading joy, love and good will. Rarely was Jimmy Stewart seen waiting in a line or listening to his sweet little daughter beg for and rave about the latest, and most expensive, video gaming system.

Fast-forward to today and it is not uncommon to hear talk that the holidays bring cranky relatives and serious economic hardship. It is no wonder the season is a source of stress for so many would-be revelers. It's also no surprise that mental health professionals report seeing a rise in anxiety and depressive mood disorders around the winter holidays.

"Society sort of holds this expectation of holding joy," says Dr. Elaine Weldon. While the holiday blues don't strike everyone, the notion of a joyous holiday season just isn't true for everyone either. Feelings of disappointment can be exacerbated if people don't have good coping mechanisms for stress, she said.

Peter Claydon, a Santa Barbara and Solvangbased psychologist, says that frequently the holiday blues are brought on by unrealized expectations.

"The expectations people have often don't match their reality," Claydon said.

Psychologist Dean Given agrees with that assessment noting that the largest number of people he sees with the holiday blues are working so hard to make the season special that they get exhausted and frustrated. This also causes people to be especially sensitive to the normal tides of life, Given says.

"All the usual things still happen, we're just less tolerant of it," he said.

The whole season is a curious paradox, says Dr. Heidi Zetzer, Director of the Hosford Counseling and Psychological Clinic at University of California, Santa Barbara. "It's all in an effort to have fun. It can put you over the top," she said.

At a time of the year designed to be family-oriented, family can be anything but helpful. Having the nearest and dearest gathered around one table is easily another source of stress. "You start out on your best behavior but you fall into old habits," Zetzer says.

Psychologist Lisa Firestone, Director of Research and Education for the Glendon Associates, notes that it is easy for parents and their adult children to revert to behaviors of old. Frequently adults act like difficult teens and their parents respond accordingly. It is important, Firestone says, to be aware of the pitfalls and attempt to stay in an adult frame of mind. Ways to help maintain adult behavior include bringing a partner and setting new boundaries for family members.

When biological family is too difficult to deal with, a better option is a family of choice, according to Firestone. A family of choice, as defined by Firestone, is anyone we would include in our immediately if we had the ability to pick and choose. She encourages everyone to connect with the people who they love and not necessarily biological family. "We all know the people we feel good around," she said. Those are the people, she added, that make up the best support system for the holidays.

Support systems are a particularly important way to preempt the stress that surrounds the holiday season, according to Weldon, a Santa Barbarabased psychologist. Besides keeping in touch with a professional counselor, she recommends connecting with understanding friends and holding venting sessions. A week is too long to go without connecting with a support system, she said.

The holiday season can be particularly difficult for those who have had recent losses, either through death or divorce, Clayton said. It's frequently a time to assess our lives and the past year. Those reflections can bring up what Clayton calls "ghosts of holidays past".

"It gives rise to a lot of loneliness," he said. "There's a sense of missing people and wishing they were there."

A key to getting past the loneliness is to remember the good times shared with lost loved ones. Celebrating a life, rather than mulling over a loss is more positive, Claydon says.

"It's taking the blues out of it and turning things to the positive rather than the negative," he said.

Prevention of the holiday blues could lie in preparation, according to Zetzer. She recommends planning time into busy schedules to relax. Taking time out to walk, phone a friend, read a book, or even have a massage can help rebuild the reserves that holiday stresses break down.

That might mean giving up some of the details, said Given. In the long run, taking time to relieve stress can be more important than having a picture perfect holiday. "Jettison the Martha Stewart Christmas image and focus on what is important to us; our loving relationships," he said.

The task, he added, is to come back to celebrating traditionally religious holidays in a way that is meaningful. To accomplish that, it might be time to change some old habits or traditions. "The frequent mistake is that we do the same things and hope for a different outcome," Given said.

One tradition that many people might rethink is the use of alcohol during the holiday season, according to several local psychologists.

"Alcohol contaminates the holiday spirit in many ugly ways," Claydon said. "It's a paradox because alcohol is used to enhance the spirit but it diminishes holiday spirit for people who over imbibe."

Firestone advocates being conscious of the toll stress can take. It is important, she said, to recognize when we might be attacking ourselves. "It's never appropriate to have a negative or derogatory point of view toward yourself," she said. As a way of recognizing negative thought, Firestone has her patients write down the negative thoughts they are having in the second person. An example could be writing down "You look fat" rather than writing "I look fat". Later, patients review the statements and create more realistic assessments.

While surviving the holidays comes down to stress management, the season is still all about creating and sharing joy. Try to remember, Firestone said, to have fun.

"Try to plan activities that we really like to do, not what you think you have to do."

10 Ways to Prevent Holiday Breakdown

Exercise: It sounds too simple to be true, but keeping up with exercise during the holidays can help. During the winter, it is common to eat too much and be sedentary. Taking a walk can help elevate mood and keep stress at bay. Lay off the alcohol: Alcohol is a depressant and, while it is frequently used to lighten the mood, the effects can be chilling.

Remember yourself: Take time every day to do something refreshing. Whether you take a walk, call a friend to vent, or take a bubble bath is immaterial. The important thing is that you take time to recharge and regroup.

Let go of the details: In five years, no one is going to remember whether the stuffing came from a box or was homemade. It's more important that you were there and enjoyed the moment.

Create new traditions: The holiday season is, or should be, about celebration. If old traditions are the root of distress, don't be afraid to find new ways to celebrate.

Reconnect: Take some time to connect with the people in your life who make you feel great about yourself.

Remember the Point: Gift giving, holiday parties, and all the garnishes are all superlative. Get back to the purpose of the holidays and remember to celebrate your relationships.

Simplify: Competitive gift giving is not a sport. Instead of breaking the budget on expensive gifts, make a homemade gift instead. The message is the same, if not better, and it can lighten the load on the checkbook.

Lay the ghosts to rest: Holidays can be particularly painful for people who have experience loss, particularly from death or divorce. Instead of focusing on the loss, try to celebrate the life or the love that has been.

Get help: Signs and symptoms of depression can include repetitive negative thoughts, loss of joy, changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, being overwhelmed, or thoughts about suicide. Finding help can be as simple as opening the phonebook. For more information on depression check out the National Mental Health Association at nmha.org.
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